


I'd Die for Him

by rayofsonnshine



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, M/M, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-01 11:16:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11485239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rayofsonnshine/pseuds/rayofsonnshine
Summary: Demons from Rafael Barba's past cases come back to haunt him. Sonny is more worried than he should be and finds himself in just as dangerous a situation as Barba. The squad races against the clock to find them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Let me explain my mindset behind this story!!! Think of it like a really shitty episode of SVU--there's a mystery and a plot and stuff. Also, Sonny is pretty dumb in this fic but it's probably cause he's completely and blindly in love with Barba lmao
> 
> The story has 5 parts, and I'll be releasing one every few days bc i hate myself
> 
> also!! this fic isn't very good. like i'm just being honest here. i actually decided originally not to post it bc it really took an emotional toll on me for some reason but I really want the Rafael Barba/Sonny Carisi ship on Archive of our Own to hit 500 fics so here you go (494 as of my posting)

"What do you mean, he hasn't been in since this morning? He was supposed to meet with me about the Jane Doe we found last night." 

Carmen shrugs and turns away, leaving Lieutenant Olivia Benson in a very bad mood. She walks back to the squad room and sees Fin, Carisi and Amanda waiting for her. 

“What?"

The three stumble over each other to talk to her first. 

Liv runs her hand through her hair. "One at a time, please."

"We ran our Jane Doe's prints again and still no matches, but we found a partial print at the crime scene belonging to someone in the database," Carisi says. "Where's Barba, we need a warrant for the--"

"That will have to wait. He's not here. Carmen said he left a few hours ago."

Amanda checks her watch. "A few hours ago? It's not even lunch yet.”

Fin shrugs. “He’s been working his ass off these past few weeks, he probably just needs some time out of the office."

"I need that warrant now, Lieu. I'm calling him."

"Hold on a minute, Carisi. He deserves a few hours without dealing with you."

Carisi rolls his eyes and walks away from the group. _Would it really be that bad if I bothered him for a minute?_ He raises the phone to his ear and lets it ring. No one picks up. He sits down at his desk and waits for a moment before picking up his phone again and texting Barba. No response. 

*****

Carisi shows Olivia a long string of texts, none of which have been read. "He hasn't responded in, like, an hour. Can I go check and see if he's back yet?"

"Tell him to come talk to me once you're done."

Liv watches him leave the squad room and finishes her fourth cup of coffee. The busiest day SVU has had in months, and their lawyer went out for a four-hour coffee break. "I'm going to give him a piece of my mind," she mutters. 

*****

"He's still not here? He's not answering my calls or my texts."

Carmen looks slightly worried. "I can call him for you if you'd like."

"That'd be great," he smiles, though he feels slightly uncomfortable. Why he cares so much about Barba, he doesn't know. **The warrant isn't even that important.**

"Detective?" A voice sends Carisi back to earth. "No reply. I'm concerned, he's never done this before."

"Did he have a meeting before he left? Maybe it went south and he's upset about it." 

"No, everything seemed alright. Wait,” she pauses. "He left here in a rush with a man he had a last-minute appointment with."

Carisi's heart rate picks up. “What’s his name?"

The receptionist flips through a large binder. "That's weird..."

"What?"

"Well, the other day, I spilled coffee all over the schedule book with his appointments. I used a different sheet of paper and the man's name was on there, but now I can't find it." 

Carisi knows he's overreacting, but he can't help but feel nervous. "Are there security cameras here?"

"Yeah, there's one right outside his office door. Here," she pulls up a video from earlier that day on her computer. "See, this is the guy. Nicely dressed, tall, white."

"Fast forward until they leave."

She does, and the video reveals that less than 5 minutes later, the two leave, walking awfully close to each other. 

"It looks like they’re holding hands,” Carisi says, only half-joking. 

"I didn't notice anything romantic between the two if that's what you're insinuating." 

_Christ, am I jealous?_ "Has this man met with the counselor before today?"

She pauses. "Yeah, he's come in a couple times before, but the last time was a couple months ago. I had to throw the schedule book out, so I have no record of it. I'm sorry, Detective."

"It's fine, it's probably nothing,” he glances down at the papers on her desk, seeing one titled “contact information”. The receptionist continues watching the security footage as Carisi slips the paper into his pocket.

“Thanks, anyway.” He walks out and closes the door, slightly more forcefully than he wanted to. _We're not even together, why do I care if he’s taking a day off to go fuck his boyfriend..._

Carisi walks back into the squad room and begins a long battle with an aggravatingly large pile of paperwork. 

**

"So, I take it you didn't find Barba," Amanda gestures towards a growing stack of completed paperwork covered with angry scrawls. 

"Nope. I checked the tapes with Barba’s receptionist and he was here this morning but left with some guy. Looked like they were holding hands."

Amanda laughs. "I'm gonna kill him. Skipping work to go out on a date?"

Liv walks out of an interrogation room, looking frazzled. 

"Long day?" Carisi asks, setting his pen down. 

Olivia nods and throws her coat over her shoulder. "I'm going home, and I suggest you two do the same. It's late."

Carisi puts his coat on and waits for Amanda to grab her stuff. "Let me walk you out.”

"Believe it or not, Carisi, I can walk to my car by myself. Nice try, though," Amanda walks away from him. 

Carisi grabs his phone and dials Barba's number. He's about to hit "call" when he stops himself. He stuffs his phone in his pocket and walks outside to his car. 

**

Barba reaches under his desk for his phone while the man continues to talk. 

“Don’t even think about it," the man yells, pointing a gun at him with shaky hands. "Put your hands up, now!" Barba puts his phone in his pocket and does as he is told. 

"Where is the file on the Rodriguez case?" The man demands as he begins to search through a stack of papers. 

Barba's voice cracks. "The file is in my apartment, it's not here."

"You're lying," The man grabs him by the tie and pulls him closer, aiming the gun squarely between his eyes. 

"Why would I lie to you?" Barba asks, trying to stay calm. 

"You don't even remember my name," the man says through gritted teeth. "You made my life hell, and now it's your turn." He pulls Barba towards his office door. "Oh, and you won't be needing this anymore." 

He reaches into the lawyer's back pocket, pulling out his cell phone. 

"If you let me go now, we can pretend this never happened. I won't tell anyone about this, I swear."

The man chuckles. "Can’t trust lawyers," He grabs Barba's wrist. "We're going to walk out of this building together. One word or look to anyone--" he gestures towards the outline of his gun in his jacket pocket. "Lights out."

The two leave the office, Barba keeping his eyes on the ground as they walk towards the parking garage. The man pulls out a set of keys and unlocks the doors to a white van. 

"Give me the keys to your apartment, now."

Barba hands him the key. "I can give you directions."

"Nice try, Counselor," the man says mockingly, opening the trunk. "You're not sitting in the front." He pushes Barba squarely in the back, forcing him to bend over inside the van. 

"My friends and I going to have a lot of fun with you once we get that folder," he says, running his hands up his chest before pushing him roughly into the trunk and slamming the door shut.

*****

Carisi paces across the squad room, stopping to check his phone every few seconds.

“Carisi, calm down,” Amanda’s voice pierces the mental white noise buzzing through his head.

“This—this isn’t like him. Barba is never late to anything. What if he’s—“

Liv puts a hand on his shoulder. “You’re overreacting. Take a few deep breaths. We’re checking the security footage now, but I’m sure he’s fine.”

“What if he’s not?”

**“Then we’ll find him.”**

That shuts Carisi up, who sits back down at his desk and stares at the clock. The second hand completes two rotations when he stands back up again.

“Where are you going?” A voice behind him asks. Carisi can hardly hear his fellow detective’s voice, his mind is racing so fast. _You’re jumping to conclusions. He’s fine._ But something in his gut is telling him he's not alright, that he’s not okay, that he desperately needs help.

“I’m going to go get coffee, I don’t know how you drink that stuff.” He gestures half-heartedly towards the coffee pot. 

He walks out of the squad room and heads towards his car. He finds himself sprinting through the hallways, narrowly avoiding bumping into Fin, who stares after him. Climbing into his car, he fishes the piece of paper he'd taken from Barba's office out of his pocket and types the address into his GPS.

*****

Barba wakes up feeling like he’s about to throw up. His head’s pounding and he can hardly move. _Shit, where am I?_ He struggles against the rope binding his limbs to a chair. He glances around and notices a man-shaped shadow curled up in the corner of the room. 

“Hello?” He shouts, his voice cracking.

No response. As his eyes adjust to the dim light, he realizes that the figure belonged to the man who had held him up in his office.

“Where am I? Why did you bring me here?” He struggles against his ropes again, wincing as they dig into his flesh. 

Still no reply. He realizes he’s in what looks like an old cellar. 

His thoughts are interrupted by the sound of a key sliding into a lock. Light floods into the room from behind, illuminating the crumpled figure on the ground. Two bulky men drag him from the room, leaving a thick trail of blood behind. Repulsed, Barba struggles against the ropes once more.

“You’re not getting out, you know.”

Barba cranes his neck in an attempt to see the source of the voice behind him.

“Do you know why you’re here?”

He feels something brush against the back of his neck and recoils.

“You lawyers think you know everything,” The man drawls. “I bet you don’t even recognize my voice.”

A faint recollection of a similar conversation with the man from earlier causes Barba’s eyes to narrow. 

“I’m here to give you a taste of your own medicine,” The man says. Barba is suddenly aware of the man’s gloved hand stroking his hair. “Do you know—“ his voice cracks, laden with emotion. “Do you know what I went through in prison? It was your fault.” He pauses. “I was raped.”

The man grabs Barba by the hair and jerks his head backward roughly, giving him his first glance at his captor. He was tall, dressed in all black and wearing some sort of mask. “It didn’t matter where I was, who I was with. I would end up pressed up against the wall,” His voice cracks. 

“I’d scream for help, but nobody listened,” a small chuckle escaped his lips. “Isn’t it ironic that you're in the same position now? No one can help you here."

Barba remains silent.

“I went through your files, y’know, from your previous cases, the ones in your apartment. Found a couple of guys who feel the same way about you."

Barba wonders what his detectives would do if they were in this situation. Remaining calm being the first step, he takes a deep breath. “What do you want from me?”

“I want you to suffer. But, between you and me,” he bends down, and Barba can feel the man’s hot breath against his ear. “Some of the guys on the other side of that door want something else,” he hesitates, possibly for dramatic effect. “They want access to evidence.”

“Access to what?” Barba asks, surprised.

“If we can prove that we went to prison on faulty DNA, we’ll get a nice cash settlement.”

“What do you mean?”

“If, perhaps, some paperwork was filed incorrectly, or the DNA from a crime scene and a suspect were commingled, perhaps a judge can overturn our cases.”

“Our detectives never make mistakes,” Barba argues. “You and all of your friends deserved to go to prison.”

“Oh, we deserved it, huh?” The man’s voice grows shrill, and Barba is suddenly blinded with pain. He can feel his fingers being crushed by the man’s glove and he struggles against the ropes. 

Barba’s screams fill the room, soon joined by a loud crack.

Panting, the man whispers into Barba’s ear: “You deserve everything that’s coming to you.” He leaves the room through a door behind him. Pain surges through Barba's veins, clouding his thoughts. Though he can’t see his hands, he knows that two of his fingers are broken. 

His screams turn to a soft whimper as he realizes there is no escape. He was tied to a chair, at the mercy of men he had put in prison, men who had no qualms about raping and murdering. He finds his mind drifting to the detectives back in the city (he figured he wasn’t in Manhattan because of how quiet everything was). _Where were they? Why haven't they found me yet? Would they ever?_

Inevitably, he begins thinking about Carisi. He had tried suppressing his thoughts at his job, but the more Barba thinks about it, the more he realizes that _the tall, puppy-eyed detective was someone I wouldn’t mind—_

_Don’t finish that sentence. A workplace relationship is hardly professional. And besides, Carisi's straight. What am I doing?_

Trying to ignore his pain, he continues to wonder why the detectives hadn't found him yet. _Do they even know I’m missing?_

He loses hope as hours wear by, the pain shifting from white-hot to dull and throbbing.

“Let me out!” Barba yells, his voice hoarse. He struggles against the ropes weakly before shouting again. The door opens, and he can hear footsteps approaching the chair he's tied to.

“Please,” he begs. Someone holds him still before plunging a syringe into the side of his neck.

“No,” he murmurs desperately before slipping out of consciousness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't really proofread this beforehand but i actually had to split this chapter in 2 bc it was so long. I swear it gets good next chapter. pls stay with me. bless <3
> 
> (also!! this is just really angsty and it just gets worse lmao)

“It’s been an hour, where is he?” Amanda checks her watch and looks back up at Fin, who shrugs passively. 

“You don’t think he…?”

“Carisi is…” Amanda hesitates. “He’s unpredictable sometimes. He could’ve gone after Barba himself.”

“Why would he do that?” Liv asks. “They’ve never been close.”

“Oh really?” she raises her eyebrows. “Didn’t you see the way Carisi was freaking out when he didn’t come back to work this morning? He was an emotional wreck.”

“He’s always like that, Amanda,” Fin reminds her.

“No, he’s not. I mean, he’s not this bad. I’m going to call him, just in case.”

Liv and Fin wait while Amanda dials his number and lets it ring. 

“He didn’t answer.”

“Well, let’s not jump to conclusions. It’s only been an hour.”

Amanda’s phone rings and she picks it up. “Alright, thanks,” She hangs up and rushes over to the TV screen, grabbing the remote. “Look what TARU sent over,” she says, distressed. 

The surveillance video Carisi had seen the day before begins playing, showing a man entering Barba’s office.

“Five minutes later,” she presses fast forward on the remote. “They walk out together.”

“Looks like they’re holding hands,” Fin says.

“That’s what Carisi thought, too, but as they walk out,” she clicks to the next security clip. “Look.”

The video zooms in, revealing the outline of a gun in the man’s pocket. “He’s holding his wrist so he can’t run.”

Olivia’s eyes widen. “So there’s a—“

“No, that’s not all,” Amanda interrupts, leaving Olivia to blink back surprise. “Here’s security footage from the parking garage. Our suspect parked in the back so you can’t see the license number, but you can see him bring Barba over to his van, and…” she trails off, allowing the video to play.

Liv grabs her phone and runs off to make a call. Amanda and Fin are left transfixed by the tv as they watch the man shove the lawyer into the trunk. 

“Alright, issue a watch for a white van, license plate begins with CD3,” Fin shouts urgently to a group of officers standing nearby. “We’ve got a missing ADA.”

Olivia nods at Amanda, signaling her to leave.

“Do you think Carisi knew?” Fin asks, putting his phone and wallet in his pocket.

“No, we just got the footage," Amanda and Fin rush out into the hallway. “C’mon, we’ve gotta get to Barba's apartment, now."

*****

“Counselor?” Sonny knocks on Barba’s apartment door again, eyeing the stack of mail gathered on the floor. He knows he’s overreacting, _but what if…_

He slams his shoulder into Barba’s door, knocking it off the hinges. He stands, panting, hands on his knees for a moment before looking around.

“Shit.”

Barba’s apartment is a wreck. His couch and his kitchen table are overturned on the ground, and scattered papers and files cover the floor.

Carisi reaches for his phone to call the squad, but he stops himself when he sees something by the window.

He darts across the room, stepping around debris.

A manila file folder is nailed to the wall, stained with blood. Sonny pulls it off the wall and opens it, ignoring the voice in the back of his head telling him that he’s contaminating evidence. _Most of the file’s missing,_ he notes, but as he turns the pages, he realizes it’s a case file, one dated from over two years ago. A man’s mugshot is stapled to the back side of the folder, and without a moment’s hesitation, Carisi rips it out, stuffing it in his pocket. He reaches for his phone again, but instead of calling SVU, he calls Barba.

“Hello?"

Carisi nearly drops his phone, startled that someone had actually picked up. “Counselor—“ he begins, extremely relieved.

“Detective? Oh my god—“ a loud, muffled groan interrupts him.

“Are you okay? Where are you?” 

“Carisi—“ The line goes silent for a moment, then a grunt of pain.

Sonny runs out of the apartment, his heart beating faster. “Just tell me where you are, stay with me.” 

“He’s fine,” an unfamiliar voice says.

“Who is this?”

Another scuffling sound, then Barba’s voice, slightly fainter.

**“Help."**

“Barba, where—“

The voice lists out a series of numbers. 

“What? What do those—?” Carisi realizes they’re coordinates and scrambles for a pencil and paper from his jacket pocket. The man repeats the numbers. “Who is this? What have you done with—"

“You’ll find out.”

“Let me talk to him,” Sonny says, trying to sound calm, even though every bone in his body wants to scream.

“You had your chance.”

“No, let me just, please—“ the line goes dead.

“Oh god, oh god,” Carisi says out loud, pacing down the hallway towards the street. He pulls up the coordinates and hails a taxi. 

“Can you take me to this address? Please,” he says, his voice urgent.

As the taxi pulls away from Barba’s apartment, Sonny buries his head in his hands, trying to make sense of the phone call. Though he couldn’t understand much, he recognized the noises in the background as those of pain. 

The coordinates led to a bridge a few hours upstate. As the taxi winds its way through New York City, the detective drums his fingers on the windowsill, his mind filled with immense worry.

As they drive over a bridge, he opens the taxi window and throws his phone into the Hudson River.

Why he didn’t call the rest of the squad, he doesn't know. 

All he knows is that Barba is in trouble. And that he'd never forgive himself if he was too late.

*****

“So, tell me a little about him,” the man strokes his hair once more, though this time his hand is caught in clumps of dried blood.

Barba doesn’t answer, the effects of whatever drugs that had been pumped into him still wearing off.

“Tell me about whoever is coming to your rescue,” the man says, his voice laden with sarcasm.

“Who, Carisi?”

“Mhm,” He can hear the familiar sound of a pen scratching against a pad of paper. “Does he work with the police?”

Barba nods drowsily. 

“Do you know how many times he called you?”

Barba doesn’t answer, his mind swimming with half-formed thoughts.

“19.”

Barba fights back a smile.

“Isn’t that interesting. It’s a good thing he’s in love with you, or else he probably would’ve already called the entire NYPD on us.” The man laughs. “He thinks he’s coming to save you all by himself.”

Either Barba didn’t hear the last sentence, or he’s choosing not to. “You think he’s in love with me?”

The room goes quiet for a moment. His head pounding, Barba attempts to turn around to see his assailant. He grits his teeth, prepared for another blow to the head. After a moment, he blinks. “Aren’t you going to…?”

“Yeah, yeah, I will. Just— hold on,” The man mutters.

“I don’t have all day.”

“Would you shut your fucking mouth?” 

Barba can feel the ropes binding him to the chair loosen, then fall off. He struggles to stand up, but crumples to the ground, his head spinning. 

The man pulls him up by his collar and slams his head into the concrete wall. Loud ringing fills his head, followed by complete silence as he passes out again.

*****

Fin kicks the pile of mail that had gathered in front of Barba’s apartment door, which had been knocked off its hinges.

Amanda steps inside, her gun drawn. “NYPD!” she shouts, flicking the light switch on.

Fin makes eye contact with her apprehensively. Scattered papers and broken glass cover the floor, and a wall of file cabinets lies overturned.

“Call Liv,” Amanda says, pushing open the door to Barba’s bedroom, which is empty, as is his bathroom. 

“Already on it.”

Amanda opens a file that's been nailed to the wall. “Fin, c’mere.”

Fin stands next to her. “Whose blood is that?” He gestures towards a deep red splotch staining the folder.

She reads one of the paragraphs and looks up at her partner. “It’s about the Rodriguez case from a few years ago. Upper-class lady got raped by her client. We put the perp away for 6 months, but he got off easy.” She points towards a photo of a woman covered in bruises. “I can’t remember the guy’s name, but—“

“Look, there’s an address. 322 Edgewater Lane,” He types something on his phone. “It’s nearby, about twenty minutes away.”

“Guys?” Liv appears in the doorway, followed by a group of officers who begin collecting evidence.

“Come look at this. This file was stapled to the wall. Whoever has Barba wanted us to find it.”

Fin puts his phone in his pocket. “There’s an address at the bottom, I’m heading there now.”

Amanda goes to talk to the officers, leaving Liv standing in the middle of Barba’s living room. 

“Lieutenant?” an officer standing in Barba’s kitchen beckons to her. “There are cigarettes and keys on the stove. And—“ he pushes open the door to Barba’s closet. 

Liv nearly throws up. The all-too-familiar smell of burnt flesh makes her grasp the underside of the kitchen table to keep from falling over. Memories come flooding back to her for the first time in months, memories she’d tried to suppress. A face flashes in her mind, the face she’d seen every night for years since—

“Liv,” Amanda grabs her shoulder, steadying her. “Liv, are you—?”

She straightens up and steps away from her fellow detective. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. What is it?”

Amanda points towards an elderly man standing in the doorway, his nose crinkled at the smell. “This is the building super. He says he has surveillance cameras set up in the hallways and outside.”

Liv pushes a stray piece of hair out of her face and follows the man. Amanda trails behind her, looking concerned.

“So you didn’t see anyone leave or enter this man’s apartment yesterday or today?”

“Well there was this guy, you just missed him. He was here around an hour ago, asking about a Rafael Barba. Said he was a friend, so I told him the apartment number.”

“An hour ago? You’re sure?”

“Maybe less.”

“What’d he look like?”

“Tall, wearing nice clothes. Blue eyes.”

“Did he—did he have an accent?” Amanda asks though she felt like she already knew the answer.

“Yeah, a thick Staten Island accent. Why?”

Amanda stares pointedly at Liv, who grabs the man by the shoulder. “We need the surveillance tapes, now.”

The man unlocks a door and opens it for the detectives. “We just hired a new guy to watch the tapes for us this morning. Nice guy.”

“Where is he? We need to ask him some questions as well.”

“I don’t know, he should be here. We’re paying him 8 bucks an hour, for Christ’s sake,” He opens a cabinet and pulls out a series of ancient VHS tapes.

“Let’s see. Which ones do you need?” 

“All the ones from yesterday, and the ones from this morning.”

The man frowns. “The surveillance tapes from yesterday aren’t here. They were here when I came into work.”

Sighing, Liv pushes her hair out of her face again. “Are you serious? Did you do a background check on this guy before you hired him?”

“I have the tape from this morning though,” the man says, staring up at Liv, frightened. “I’m sorry!”

Amanda puts the tape into a small TV covered in dust, and they watch as a tall man approaches the desk and talks to the super for a moment before taking the stairs up. “I can’t make out his face from the tapes, but—“

The man fiddles with a remote for a moment, and the video switches to a feed from the hallway Barba’s apartment is in. 

The same man stands in front of Barba’s door and uses his shoulder to knock it off its hinges. “That’s Carisi.”

The building super clicks the remote again, showing Carisi getting into a taxi.

“He must be heading towards the address Fin saw in the folder. I’ll call him and tell him to keep a look out,” Amanda calls her partner.

Olivia walks out of the apartment building, cursing herself for letting Carisi leave the squad room. 

*****

“Stop here,” Carisi tosses the cab driver a wad of cash and steps out of the car. He walks towards the bus station he knows is around the corner. He's hardly conscious of where he's going, proved evident when he nearly walks into oncoming traffic. He stares at a bus route map nailed to the wall of the bus station, picking the route that will drop him off right by the bridge. 

_Why wasn’t I suspicious earlier? If I’d gone and checked on him yesterday..._

The bus arrives a few minutes later. Sonny chooses a seat by the window, his mind racing. _Why didn’t I call the squad? What am I doing?_ He stares out the window as the bus pulls out of the station. _Too late to turn back now. Everyone probably already knows I’m missing too._

The bus stops two blocks away from the coordinates the man with Barba had given him on the phone. Sonny recognizes the bridge as one he’d gone to often when he was working with different branches of the NYPD. 

The bridge goes over a steep gravel pit. It's notorious as a drug-dealing hotspot. Sonny stands on the sidewalk where the bridge begins, waiting for a moment. The air is thick with fog and smoke from the cars driving past, and a thin sprinkle of rain makes him shiver. He notices a set of stairs leading below the bridge and walks down them, keeping his hand on his holster.

He reaches the bottom, wishing he’d brought an umbrella as the rain picks up. “Hello?”

Silence. 

He says it louder this time, his voice echoing. 

Still nothing.

Sonny kicks up some gravel, pissed that he’d gone on a wild goose chase. He turns around to walk back to the bus station, but is instead greeted by a gun aimed squarely between his eyes.

Sonny looks down the barrel of the gun, holding his breath. “I’m sorry, but I—“ he takes a step back, bumping into a man wearing a pair of black gloves. 

“Are you Carisi?” the man with the gun growls.

“Yeah, but—“

Carisi’s eyes dart towards the stairs, but the man with the gloves grabs him by the shoulder, keeping him in place. The other man, still pointing the gun at Carisi with one hand, reaches under the detective’s jacket and removes his gun from his holster.

“Cool toy,” he says, removing the cartridge and throwing the gun as far as he could. Carisi’s police badge catches his eye and he grabs it, slipping it into his pocket. 

“What do you want from me?”

“You came here looking for the lawyer, right?”

Sonny nods, terrified. “Where is he? Is he—is he dead?”

**No reply.**

His hands are tied behind his back with a cord. He’s shoved into the trunk of a white van. 

Praying the men are taking him to Barba, Carisi can feel a tear running down his cheek. _God, I’m so dumb. What the fuck did I think I was doing? I’m gonna get one of us killed— if he’s not already dead._

The van starts up. Sonny bows his head in silent prayer.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a longer chapter lmao I'm trying to incorporate an element of mystery so you're seeing like 5 different perspectives in this chapter. Which is a lot.  
> Also!!! I use the f slur in this chapter (tw)  
> Shit starts to go down. Pls stick with me because the next 2 chapters are FILLED with Barisi angst after this one.  
> One more thing-- thought I'd add a little humor (if you could call it that) with fin's last scene.

Fin pulls up at the address he’d scrawled on his hand. “322 Edgewater Lane,” he says out loud, stepping out of the car. He hadn’t recognized the address when he’d seen it written in the folder at Barba’s apartment, but as he approaches the building, he realizes he remembers it vaguely from an old case. 

The trip had taken him the better part of the morning—the address was a few hours north of New York City.

He stands in front of an unused plot of land, surrounded by crumbling buildings. “NYPD,” he announces to no one in particular, squinting through the bright sunlight. The plot is empty, save for a couple of crates gathered in the far corner. He walks towards the boxes, pulling out his phone. As he suspected—they're empty. 

“Liv?” Fin asks, holding his phone between his ear and his shoulder as he walks back to the car. “There’s nothing here. I’m heading back to the precinct.”

“Well, if it’s any consolation, Carisi is looking for Barba as well. He was the one who busted the apartment door.”

“Where is he?”

“We don’t know. He got into a taxi around 4 hours ago, we’re trying to trace the serial number now. He’s still not answering his phone.”

Fin curses under his breath. “Alr—“ he pauses.

“What?”

“Nothing, I just—“ he surveys the ground to his right. “Something caught my eye on the ground. Hold on a moment. It’s probably nothing, but…” Fin picks something up from the grass, brushing the dirt off of it with one hand.

“I think we’ve got something.”

“What’d you find?”

Fin raises the metal object to the sunlight, reading the number etched faintly on the front. 

“It’s a police badge,” he can feel his heart rate picking up. “What’s Carisi’s number?”

“0188,” Liv says, her voice tense.

“This is his. Why would he throw his badge out?”

**“He wouldn’t.”**

He slips the badge into his pocket. “Well?”

“Come back to the precinct now, this situation is just getting worse.”

*****

Liv drums her fingers against the podium she’s standing behind and leans down to speak into a microphone. “Rafael Barba was last seen yesterday, September 3rd at around 9 am. We believe he has been targeted by Paul Brooks, a man ADA Barba put into prison over two years ago. He has since served his sentence and was last spotted at his parents’ house on Long Island two days ago,” She pauses. "We have reason to believe that this man is planning to kill him. He has been deemed mentally unstable by a court-appointed psychiatrist and has raped and murdered two women in the past 5 years,” She pauses again, allowing the news reporters to bombard her with questions.

“Lieutenant Olivia Benson, is it true that one of your detectives has gone AWOL trying to find ADA Barba?”

“Sources say that Rafael Barba was raped by Paul Brooks inside the SVU precinct! Can you confirm?”

She makes eye contact with Amanda from across the room, who nods at her. 

“No more questions. Time is of the utmost importance in a case like this, and we are doing everything we can to find him. Thank you,” She rushes out the door, followed by a group of reporters.

Amanda catches up with her as she walks briskly back towards the precinct. “Liv, we just traced Carisi’s taxi.”

“Great, where is he?”

“That’s the bad news, he was dropped off at a bus station at least 3 hours ago, and their surveillance cameras are broken. We don’t know where he is, or how his badge ended up at the lot from the folder.”

Olivia groans. “Well, we need to keep searching. How close was the bus station to the lot?”

“About a 45 minute drive. I’ll tell Fin to head that way, maybe he can ask around the station.”

Amanda starts to walk off, taking her phone out.

“Hold on a second, Amanda.”

“You okay?”

“Not really, I mean— I’m worried.”

“We all are,” Amanda puts a hand on her shoulder awkwardly.

“This is my fault. I shouldn’t have let Carisi leave.” She brushes a strand of hair out of her face. "I just don’t understand why he went after Barba on his own; he might get himself killed, if he’s not already…” she trails off.

“We’ll find them. You said it yourself, remember?"

Liv begins walking down the hallway again, leaving Amanda standing alone behind her. **“This day has been the longest of my life, and it’s only 2 in the afternoon.”**

*****

“Are you fucking serious right now?” 

“Yeah, just saw it on the news. They think Brooks is the only one, though.”

Carisi opens one eye blearily, trying to gauge his surroundings.

“Fuck, the NYPD works quickly.” 

He shuts his eyes again.

"I thought **he** didn’t call the police,” the source of one of the voices kicks him in the shin.

“He didn’t."

Sonny attempts to tune into the conversation going on in front of him, ignoring the throbbing pain filling his head. He can feel the cool texture of a concrete floor below him—he was sitting on the ground, propped up against a wall.

“—they didn’t mention him on the news at all. We’re still a few steps ahead.”

“Look, man,” another voice says. “The trial for my case is next week, can we just get this over with? The lawyer knows how to force a mistrial, can we just get him to tell us already?”

_“The lawyer”. So that means Barba’s still alive._

“It’s not that easy. He won’t crack.”

Sonny fights back a smile, trying to seem like he’s still asleep. _Of course Barba’s making things difficult. He’s a fighter._

“We really don’t have much time,” a fourth voice says. “This is becoming a nightmare. And what do we do with the detective?”

A pause. Carisi can feel the eyes of his captors surveying him. He remains still.

“I have an idea,” the first voice says, his voice tinged with malice.

Another pause, then a short gasp. “No, wait, you can’t do that. I don’t want to add another charge to my--"

“Don’t tell me what to do!” the first voice yells.

“Wait!”

A gunshot rings out, and Carisi opens his eyes in shock. 

“Dude, what the fuck? You just killed him!” A woman with blonde hair steps backwards, her eyes wide.

Sonny stares down at the body of a kid, no older than 17 or 18. Memories come flooding back as he stares down at his face, a pool of blood growing larger around him. _I remember him. He raped a girl at a graduation party a few months ago. Holy shit, what was his name?_

The woman’s voice pierces the silence. “Shit, he’s awake.”

“The drugs are still wearing off, he can’t do anything.” a voice coming from his left says.

He struggles to turn his head sideways, every movement sending jolts of agonizing pain through his head.

Sonny opens his mouth to speak, his voice no louder than a croak. “What did you do?”

The woman shields her face from Sonny and leaves the room, clearly not wanting to be recognized. 

“It’s none of your concern. He’s better off now,” the voice from Carisi’s left says.

“Where—“ Sonny takes a deep breath, trying to stand up. The pain overwhelms him and he slumps back down to the ground. “Where is he?”

“The lawyer? You’ll see him soon enough.”

“I need to see him now.”

“Now? Hm, you’re pushy. No.”

“What do you mean, no?” Carisi tries to turn his head to look at the source of the voice, but the pain grows too much for him. Any movement at all, it seems, sends stabbing pain through his head.

“No means no. You should know that— **you work with SVU too, don’t you?** ” The man laughs and leaves the room, slamming the door behind him.

Carisi sits, slumped against the wall, pain coursing through his veins. _So Barba’s alive._ He shifts his attention to the corpse on the floor. He’d been shot in the head at point-blank range. _Why?_

He takes a deep, shuddering breath, realizing the gravity of the situation he had put himself in. _If I hadn’t gone after Barba myself, I wouldn’t be here._

After a moment’s thought, he struggles to get up once again. Another surge of pain flows through him, and he falls back to the ground. 

_What do they want from me?_

*****

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything. I was told to talk to you.”

Liv takes off her glasses and looks up at Carmen expectantly.

She takes a deep breath. “The man who was with Barba—that’s not Paul Brooks. The man he was last seen with was another past client. I remember he was here around Christmas time. He was nice.”

Amanda points at Carmen. “There we go! I do think Paul Brooks is involved, but he’s gotta be part of something bigger. Remember Barba’s death threats? Those went away, but I bet whoever paid the guy we arrested a while back is behind this too.” She approaches Liv’s desk, speaking urgently. "I think whoever has Barba— they’re a group. I mean, c’mon, they’ve gotta be. Who would take a lawyer and a detective hostage on their own?”

“Someone completely out of their mind,” Liv says after a moment, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion.

“Lieutenant?” A voice sends Liv back to reality.

She clears her throat. “You could be onto something. I mean, if there are at least two people working together, we could be dealing with some form of organized crime."

Amanda opens her mouth to say something else, but is cut off when Olivia’s phone rings. 

“Hello?”

“Hey Liv. No one saw anything at the bus station. There isn’t any surveillance video either.”

Olivia sighs. “Alright, well you should head back to the precinct now. We need all the help we can get.” She hangs up the phone and looks back up at Amanda.

“Was that Fin?”

“Yeah, it was. No luck at the bus station. I’m just trying to understand how Carisi knows where Barba's being held. He has to know something we don’t. I wish he’d answer my damn calls.”

Amanda shrugs and leans over Liv’s desk. “I can’t tell you that, but I have a theory about why Carisi’s badge was at the address from the folder. I bet that if Fin went back to that plot of land, there’d be more pieces of evidence, maybe from other cases.”

“Wait, so you think they’re…?” she trails off.

“I think that whoever else this Brooks guy is working with, they’re using that address to dispose of evidence.”

“Well that’s a pretty stupid thing to do.”

“C’mon, they’ve kidnapped an ADA and possibly a detective. How smart can they be?”

Liv nods, taking out her phone. “I’ll send Fin back there now. Maybe we can catch those guys dropping something else off.”

*****

Fin groans, pulling the car into an alleyway across the street from 322 Edgewater Lane. “How long do I have to wait here?”

“Only for a few hours. We’ve got a squad car on their way upstate now, but it’ll take them a while to get through rush hour traffic.”

“Rush hour traffic? That means Barba’s been missing for nearly 36 hours."

“Look, they clearly want him for a reason. They’re gonna keep him alive.”

“What about Carisi? If he’s with Barba right now…”

“We’re going to find them, Fin. Just keep an eye on the lot until we get backup there.”

Fin groans again, holding the phone away from his body so Liv can’t hear. “Alright.”

He tries to make himself comfortable, keeping an eye on the lot. Minutes pass and Fin drums his fingers on the dashboard, trying to keep himself from focusing on—

“Holy shit, I need to piss,” Fin says out loud. He’d been driving around all day, and all those coffees he’d drank while on the road had caught up to him.

_This is stupid. Why am I even waiting here? They’re— whoever has Barba— is obviously not coming back. Even if they do, it’s not gonna be during the 30 seconds I take to piss._

He holds it for another minute, then decides that enough is enough. Reaching for a plastic bottle from underneath the car seat, he bends down for a moment.

The screech of tires startles him, and he bangs his head on the steering wheel. Fin curses, watching a van slow down for a moment in front of the lot. He turns the siren on the police car and slams the gas pedal, sending him lurching forwards.

The van speeds off, Fin close behind. He hits a few buttons on the radio hooked up to the car. “Liv? I’m in pursuit of a car. It’s a white van, license plate is…” he squints. “It begins with CD3. That’s the number from the parking garage. We’ve got them.”

“Alright, I’m calling for more back up now.”

“I can sort of see who’s in the front seat. Their silhouettes,” Fin says, following the van as it winds through a lane of traffic. “It’s a man and a woman. One of them could be—“ he swerves suddenly, dodging a car as they run through a red light. 

“They’re not stopping,” Fin yells, making a sudden right turn as the van does the same.

The van makes a left turn, then another right turn. Fin jolts the steering wheel to the right, his heart pounding.

“I’m right behind them,” Fin yells into the radio, adrenaline pumping through his veins.

The van swerves into oncoming traffic, and Fin watches as the van collides head-on with a semi.

“Fuck.” Fin says, the sound of the crash ringing in his ears. 

“What? What was that?” Liv yells. 

He steps out of the police car, leaving the radio dangling off the hook.

“NYPD!” Fin shouts, approaching the remains of the van. The semi had toppled onto its side, and the front of the van was completely crushed. A group of police cars speed to a stop in front of the crash, stopping traffic completely. 

“Holy shit,” he mutters, approaching the van. The woman he’d seen from behind was lying face up, a trickle of blood running from her lip. The man was lying face down. Both had been tossed like rag dolls through the windshield. Repulsed, Fin flips the man’s body with his foot so it would lie face-up. He lets out a sigh of relief when he doesn’t recognize his face.

A group of officers approach him, their guns drawn. 

“They’re dead. Both of them,” he shouts. 

“We’ll take it from here,” one of the officers says.

Fin rushes back to the car. “Liv—"

“What happened? I heard some sort of crash, then you stopped answering me. I thought—“

“The van collided with a semi in the middle of I-87. Both passengers are dead.”

“Barba and Carisi weren't in the van, were they?”

“Nope.”

“Well, why was the van at the lot? I mean, clearly they’re related to whoever has Barba, they have the same license number.”

Fin curses out loud and starts up the police car again. “They must’ve dropped something else off."

“Hurry. Amanda’s on her way.”

Fin drives back to the lot, his mind racing. For a brief moment, he was sure one of the men in the van was Carisi. _But that means they’re still out there._

He pulls up next to the lot and searches the ground quickly. Something glints in the dying sunlight, and he picks it up. It’s a cell phone with a shattered screen, probably due to the collision with the ground. _The men must’ve thrown it out of the van._

He presses the “on” button and squints to see the lock screen picture.

Fin runs back to the car and grabs his radio. “Liv, we got something!”

“What? What is it?”

He turns the lock screen back on to confirm what he’d just seen. “The men in the van threw a phone out their window. The lock screen—it’s you, Carisi and him. Barba. It’s his phone.”

“You found Barba’s phone?” Liv practically yells. “I’m calling TARU. Get back to the precinct as fast as you can.”

Fin hangs up and starts the car up again. 

“Fuck, I really need to pee.” He thinks for a moment, then hits the gas pedal. 

“Y’know what? I’ll hold it.”

*****

Barba squirms out of the last of the ropes binding him to the chair and attempts to stand up. His legs weak, he clings to the wall for support. His head is throbbing, and he can feel a trickle of blood running down his forehead from an open wound by his temple. 

He makes his way slowly to the door and checks the handle—locked, as he suspected. The door is made of some sort of reinforced metal, with a small window at the top. 

Barba peers through it, though he has trouble focusing his vision—whether it's from the pain from his head or from the drugs that are constantly being pumped into him, he can't tell. Outside the window is a long hallway and two men, deep in conversation. One of the men is holding a mask, the one that belonged to the guy who’d broken two of his fingers.

He ducks to ensure he was out of view of his captors, then presses his ear to the door.

“How are we going to get him to talk? This shit is going south fast and we’re running out of time before the police catch up to us.”

Barba suddenly realizes he has no idea how long he’s been held captive—it could be a few hours, or a few weeks for all he knows.

"And where's the blonde girl, what's-her-name. Lauren. She went to dispose of the lawyer's phone an hour ago. She should be back by now."

"Ow. Fuck," Barba bites his lip to keep from crying out. He'd touched a burn on his arm by accident-- a burn he hadn't noticed before. 

A burn in the shape of a key. 

Memories flash through his head-- ones of being forced to open his apartment door, ones of being strung up by his arms and legs in his own closet, ones of being branded with white-hot keys and burned with lit cigarettes. Memories of screaming in pain, memories of whimpering in fear. 

There were other memories too. Ones he couldn't bring himself to remember, lurking just below the surface of consciousness. 

"It was hilarious," a voice sends Barba hurtling back to reality. "He was still wasted on whatever drugs you gave him and he just would not shut up about the lawyer. I want to go ask him about it again, now that the drugs are starting to wear off."

Barba presses his ear to the door again and listens. 

The sound of rusty hinges swinging open.

Laughter.

"Tell me about how much you love him. You wouldn't shut up about it earlier. I want my friend to hear." 

A pause.

"Go on, tell him!" 

Another pause, then the unmistakable sound of someone spitting at someone else. 

Silence. 

The sound of someone being slammed into a wall. 

Fierce whispers. One word is loud enough for Barba to hear. "Faggot."

Rusty hinges swinging shut. 

Laughter. 

Footsteps fading away. 

Silence falls upon the hallway like a blanket. 

Then what sounds like someone being choked, and a shuddering gasp for air. 

Barba realizes whoever is in the room next to him is trying their hardest not to cry, and failing miserably. 

He stands up and walks over to the wall to the left of the door. The wall separating him and the other person. 

He crouches down and touches the cool, stone wall. "Don't cry." Barba says, his voice echoing through his own head. "Please don't cry."

The gasping sobs from the other side of the wall grow quieter. 

"Hey," Barba says gently, pressing his hand up against the wall. "Don't cry please."

Whoever is on the other side of the wall goes silent. 

"Sorry," a familiar voice says, a voice thick with a stereotypical Staten Island accent. 

Barba's heart stops. "Detective?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for hiatus!! Had a busy past few weeks. Enjoy waiting another few days for the last chapter ;)

“Counselor?” Sonny says from the other side of the wall.

Barba doesn’t answer, overwhelmed with emotion.

“I thought I was too late,” Sonny lets out a relieved sigh. “Are you alright? Did they—did they hurt you?“

“I’m fine."

Carisi nods to himself, wiping tears from his face.

“What—“ Barba hesitates. “What are you doing here? Where’s the rest of the squad?”

No answer.

“Detective?”

Carisi buries his face in his arms. “Fuck, I’m such a dumbass. I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“They didn’t believe me, when I thought something was wrong. I got a call and they—he told me to come here. I’m so stupid.”

“Don’t say that.”

Sonny lifts his head up slowly, the drugs his captors had given him still wearing off. “It’s true, though.”

"What do you mean, they didn’t believe you? Who are “they”?"

“No one knows where we are. I came here by myself,” Carisi says tentatively, waiting for Barba to yell at him.

No such response—just a quiet sigh. “Why?”

“I don’t know.”

Silence for a moment.

“What do they want from you? From us?”

“It’s not your concern. I don’t know why they had to bring you into this.”

Another pause.

“Well, I’m here now,” Sonny says, placing his hand up against the wall, in the exact spot Barba’s hand is.

Everything is quiet.

“Thank you.”

Carisi doesn’t answer, lost in thought.

“How did you find me?”

“I went to your apartment, to check on you. The day after you disappeared. I broke through your door, and everything was practically torn apart.”

Barba goes silent.

“Counselor? Are you alright?“

Memories of what happened in his apartment flash through his head.

Memories he really, really didn’t want to remember.

Barba claws at his head, trying desperately to gouge the thoughts from his brain.

“Counselor, please answer me,“ Sonny’s voice grows louder, filled with worry.

Barba opens his mouth to speak, his voice escaping his mouth in a low hiss. “Why…why won’t they go away?”

“Why won’t what go away? Barba, please stay with me.”

He takes a deep, shuddering breath and turns back towards the wall. “I’m fine. Sorry, I—I lost my composure.”

“You’re alright. It's gonna be okay,” Sonny murmurs, all too aware that they had been in the opposite positions just a few minutes before. “Are you hurt?”

“Two of my fingers are broken. And they kept—kept slamming my head against the wall.”

Sonny doesn’t reply.

“By the way, I’d like it if you wouldn’t call me Counselor.” He pauses. "Not here. Call me… Rafael or something.”

Carisi remains silent, then lets out a small snore. Realizing the detective had fallen asleep, Barba allows himself to smile for the first time in days.

“Thank you,” he whispers, resting his head against the wall. “Thank you for finding me.”

Sonny smiles through his sleep.

*****

Fin hangs up the phone and practically sprints for Olivia’s office. “Liv—“ He skids to a stop in front of the door and bows his head. “Are you alright, Lieutenant?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” Liv mutters, putting on her glasses and staring down at her desk. “What?”

“TARU found something on Barba’s phone. They traced his location—"

“Seriously?” she grabs her coat hurriedly and starts to leave.

“Yeah, a call to Carisi was made from around a bridge about two hours or so upstate. It’s about 20 minutes away from the empty lot.”

“Go with Amanda, I’ll be right behind you,” Olivia runs out of her office, biting her lip. She stops and turns towards Fin, who's still standing in her office. They make eye contact for a moment. **“Please hurry.”** She turns back around and runs down the hallway towards her car.

*****

“Carisi? Wake up.”

Carisi opens his eyes, still smiling from his dream. “Hey Rafi…”

“What?” Barba asks, startled.

He blinks to clear his vision. “Where—where am I?”

“Dreams can seem real sometimes, can’t they,” Barba says, his voice tinged with sadness.

Carisi sighs, rubbing his eyes with his palms. “Yeah, mine are always really…” he pauses, becoming aware of his surroundings. “Really vivid.”

“Mine are vivid too. I wish they weren’t.”

“How long was I asleep?”

“It’s hard to keep track of time here. I wouldn’t say more than a few hours.”

“A few hours? Christ, why didn’t you wake me up?” Sonny stands up, his legs wobbling underneath him.

“You sounded so peaceful…” Barba gets up as well and presses his hand back to the wall. He can’t tell if his mind is playing tricks on him, but he can feel warmth coming from that exact spot.

Carisi’s hand is pressed against the wall too, though he isn’t sure why he’s doing so.

Barba hears footsteps approaching his door. “I know it’s wrong to say, but I’m sort of glad you’re here.”

Sonny smiles.

The door to Barba's room opens, and he turns towards the man standing in the doorway, his face shrouded in darkness.

“Come here, now,” The man grunts, pointing a gun at his chest.

“Thank you,” Barba whispers, just loud enough for Sonny to hear.

He walks towards the man, letting his hand trail against the wall slowly before pulling away.

“I don’t know why you brought him here,” he jerks his thumb towards the wall. “You don’t need him.”

The man doesn’t respond.

“Let him go— It’s me you want. He didn’t do anything.”

The man grabs Barba by the shoulder and leads him from the room.

Sonny keeps his hand against the wall before letting it drop to his side as he hears the door slam shut.

*****

“This is the address TARU gave us,” Amanda says, getting out of the car. “Can you radio Liv?”

“Too late,” Fin glances over at a series of cop cars pulling up behind them.

“This is the place?” Olivia asks, getting out of the car and feeling the outline of her gun under her jacket.

“It’s where the signal ends, yeah. That means he could be anywhere in that direction,” Amanda leans over the railing of the bridge to point at the vast dark mass in front of them.

Liv stands next to Amanda and peers through the darkness. “What is that?”

“That’s the Sundown Wild forest. He has to be somewhere in there.”

“It’ll take weeks to search the entire forest. By then, we’d be too late.”

“Maybe we won’t have to wait that long,” Fin shouts, shining his flashlight towards them. “There are fresh tire tracks below the bridge.”

Amanda and Olivia rush down a series of stone steps towards a group of officers bent down, examining the tracks imprinted in the wet gravel.

“The tracks go into the forest,” one of the officers says, pointing towards a thin, winding path. Liv and Amanda exchange glances and head into the dense trees, shining their flashlights at the brush covering the forest floor.

*****

Carisi turns and jabs the man behind him in the ribs with his elbow. Another masked figure runs in and grabs Sonny, lifting him up off the ground effortlessly.

“Let me—go--” he groans through gritted teeth. The second attacker wraps his arm tightly around Carisi’s neck, leaving him to kick at the air, clawing at the man’s arm desperately. 

He carries the detective to another room with ease, Sonny’s eyes nearly bulging out of his head in panic. The man finally opens an iron-plated door and drops him on the floor.

Carisi gasps for air briefly before feeling the wind knocked out of him. The masked man steps on the small of his back and grabs his hands, wrapping them tightly in duct tape.

“Sit up,” he grunts to Sonny, grabbing him by the shoulder and pulling him up so that he'd kneel on the ground. 

Sonny looks around, his vision blurry and his ears ringing. He blinks and stares at the bloodied figure of ADA Rafael Barba looking back at him, his eyes wide.

“Counselor…”

Tears streaming down Barba’s face mix with blood and drip onto his torn jacket. “...Detective.”

Sonny can feel a cold, metal object pressed against the back of his head. 

_It’s so cold._

*****

Fin shouts over his shoulder, beckoning for Liv and Amanda to come closer. “The tracks lead in that direction--towards the light.”

Amanda squints towards a faint glow straight ahead. “It’s gotta be them. There aren’t any houses for miles.”

An officer shouts from a few feet to their left. “We’ve got a body!”

Liv runs over, followed by the rest of the squad. Lying in a ditch unceremoniously was a corpse wearing a black jacket.

Fin eyes Amanda, who takes a deep breath and flips the body onto its back. 

The officer shines his flashlight up the corpse’s body, slowing down when he reaches the face. Liv lets out a sigh of relief--it isn't Carisi or Barba.

“Wait, we know this guy. Jack Randolph. His trial is next week for rape--that drunk girl who kept changing her story from July.”

The flashlight lingers on a bullet-shaped hole in the corpse’s temple. “Point blank range, Lieutenant.”

Liv nods, brushing the dirt off her pants and looking around. “Whoever has them, they’ve gotta be close. Head towards that house--where the light is coming from. Hurry.”

*****

Sonny fights back tears as he hears the masked man load the gun and cock it before pressing it back against his skull.

“Give us what we want, Counselor. It doesn’t have to go down like this,” the man says.

“I don’t know what you want me to do--I can’t change the results of your cases, I can’t force mistrials. I don’t have any power. I’m just a lawyer.”

“That’s not true,” the man says, his voice deadly calm. “Stop lying.”

“No, I’m telling the truth--please don’t shoot him.”

“Counselor, please, just--” Sonny interjects, feeling a tear trickle down his face.

A faint bang startles everyone in the room. 

“What was that?” The other man whispers.

“I’ll check, it’s probably nothing,” the man with the mask says, leaving the room and slamming the door shut.

Sonny turns and eyes the man left to guard them. “You don’t have to do this. Please, please do the right thing.”

He refuses to look him in the eye, choosing instead to stare straight ahead, unmoving.

Carisi turns back to Barba. “Counselor--”

“Please don’t call me that. Not here... not now.”

“Rafael,” Sonny begins, feeling Barba’s first name roll off his tongue effortlessly. “Rafael, I--” He repeats his name again, ignoring the warm feeling spreading through his chest. “We’re gonna get out of here. Everything is gonna be okay.”

“What do you mean, everything’s gonna be okay? Carisi, they want to kill you. He’ll come back and he’s going to--he’s going to shoot you.”

“I--I don’t want to think about that right now.”

They sit in silence for a moment. Tears continue to stream down Barba’s face.

“Don’t cry. Rafael--Rafi. Rafi, please. Please don’t cry. Everything is going to be okay, I promise.”

The masked man storms back inside. “There’s no one outside the warehouse. We’re good.”

Another faint noise comes from outside the window. 

Sonny runs his eyes across Barba's broken frame, trying to catch his glance. 

“I’m not checking again. Let’s just get this over with.”

"Please," Sonny says, his voice shaking. "You don't have to do this. Let us go--let him go at least. I'm a lawyer too, I can give you what you want."

"Stop it!" The man shouts, pistol-whipping Sonny in the head. "Stop trying to confuse me!"

The other man puts a hand on the masked man's shoulder. "Calm down, Paul. This is getting out of hand."

"No, it's not!" He screams. 

Sonny exhales as he feels the gun pull away from his head. 

"We're gonna kill this fag cop and we're gonna get our cases overturned once we get the lawyer to break and that is that," the masked man yells semi-coherently, brandishing the gun at his accomplice. 

"You're delusional. The cops are on their way and this lawyer doesn't even know what we're talking about. We fucked up and we're both going back to prison."

Silence falls across the room, then quiet laughter. The masked man continues laughing, louder and louder and louder until--

A gunshot rings out and the accomplice drops to the floor, dead. 

Sonny catches Barba's eye. "Look at me, Rafi. Don't look down. Don't look at him."

Barba nods, his nose running slightly. 

The masked man aims the gun at the back of Carisi's head once more and feels along the edge of the trigger. 

"Please don't do this," Sonny pleads. 

"You don't get to talk to me," the man growls, adjusting the gun slightly. 

*****

Liv runs through the forest, winding through the trees as Amanda and Fin follow close behind. The gunshot, still echoing throughout the forest, sends a wave of panic coursing through Liv's head. She stops in front of the source of the light-- a lantern, strung to a tree outside of an abandoned warehouse. 

"Do you hear that?" Amanda whispers. 

Liv nods, shifting her gun inside her holster. "Voices."

*****

The man with the mask paces around Carisi, aiming the gun at different parts of his head and murmuring to himself. After a moment, he stands behind him once more. "Any last words, Detective?" 

"I am so sorry, Sonny. Thank you for finding me. Thank you for--" Barba pauses, choking on his sobs. "Thank you for everything."

"You--you called me Sonny," Carisi murmurs, beaming through his tears. 

Barba nods, smiling back at him.

"Do you know why I came here? Why I found you?" Sonny takes a deep, shuddering breath. "I would never forgive myself if I let you die, if I let you slip through my fingers... Rafi, I didn't want to lose you."

Barba gazes down at him, feeling the tears continue to stream down his face, rinsing the blood from his cheeks. 

"That's enough!" The man shouts. He cocks the gun again and aims squarely at the back of Carisi's head. 

"Rafael, close your eyes. Please don't look." 

Barba nods shakily and studies him for one last moment. 

Kneeling on the ground, Detective Dominick Carisi Jr. cries, staring up at the ceiling. He's praying to a god he's not even sure exists anymore. 

Sonny. His name is Sonny. 

Sonny Carisi Jr. 

Sonny screws his eyes shut. Barba follows suit. 

A gunshot rings out. 

A body falls to the ground.

Silence.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading (and putting up with my incredibly long hiatuses lmaooo) 
> 
> v emo ending
> 
> tw rape mention. implied non con.

The gunshot reverberates through Sonny's head. His eyes still screwed shut, Carisi feels himself collapsing to the floor. After a moment, he decides that dying doesn't hurt as much as he thought it would. 

A voice sends chills up his spine. Familiar, yet entirely unfamiliar at the same time. It sounds so…

Hopeless. 

"No..."

He lays curled on the ground for a split second, then opens one eye. He squints through the bright light, focusing on an extremely distraught Rafael Barba. Red-faced, tears dripping into his lap. 

Sonny immediately notices he's lying in a pool of blood. Memories come flooding back to him. 

"Carisi, are you alright?" An unfamiliar voice grabs him by the shoulder and hoists him upright. 

"What--" Sonny pauses, noting the sickening feeling of blood dripping down the back of his head. "What happened?" 

Lieutenant Olivia Benson cuts the duct tape away from his wrists with a grim smile. "Aren't you going to say thank you?" She gestures towards the body of the masked man, lying dead on the floor. "Saw him through the window and took the shot."

Something clicks inside his head. "So I'm...not dead?"

Without waiting for a response, he turns his head back towards Barba, who’s staring back at him in disbelief. 

"Sonny--"

Carisi pushes past Fin and another officer and unties Barba, his hands shaking.

Barba stands upright, wobbling slightly, and wraps his arms around Sonny's chest. A single, gasping sob, muffled by Carisi's jacket, escapes him. 

A million thoughts rush through his head.

"You're okay, Rafi. It's over," he finally murmurs to the lawyer, who stares up at him with sunken eyes. 

Amanda puts a hand on his shoulder. "C'mon, Sonny."

Barba lets go of the detective and tries in vain to wipe away his tears. Liv, looking concerned, leads him out of the warehouse. 

Sonny stares after him. “He’s limping--and his fingers are broken. You’ve gotta call an ambulance,” He struggles against Amanda, who’s holding him in place.

“We’re taking you both to the hospital now,” She says, her face a flurry of emotions all at once.

“Can I ride with him? I--I need to make sure he’s okay,” Sonny stammers, watching Barba struggle to climb into a police car.

Amanda leads him gently by the wrist outside, refusing to look him in the eye.

“Rollins, please, I need to--”

“What the hell did you think you were doing?”

Sonny hesitates, watching the car pull away.

“Carisi.”

He jerks his head back towards her. “What?”

“What. The hell. Did you think you were doing?” 

Sonny studies her face for a moment, not responding.

“You went after Barba on your own, let yourself be taken hostage and were seconds away from being killed. What--” she turns around in exasperation for a moment. After regaining her composure, she turns back to him. “What the fuck were you thinking?”

He doesn’t move, just stares back at her. Everything he’d experienced in the past two days floods back to him. A single tear rolls down his cheek.

“Are you alright?” Amanda blinks and suddenly seems to notice the bleeding gash in his head he’d achieved from the masked man’s pistol whip and a series of bruises covering the entire left side of his face.

“Where are they taking him?” Carisi asks absentmindedly, watching the set of headlights disappearing into the darkness.

Three more squad cars pull into the clearing surrounding the parking lot. Liv’s silhouette walks over to one of them and talks to the driver, pointing at Sonny.

“I already told you,” she says, worried. “The hospital. Remember?”

Sonny looks down at her for a moment. “Right. The hospital. Y’know, maybe I should be going there too,” he steps towards one of the police cars and nearly falls over. Steadying himself on Amanda’s shoulder, he turns back to her. “On second thought, I think I’d rather stand here for a minute. Not quite sure I’m ready to walk yet.”

Amanda gazes at him, his face long and gaunt in the flashing red and blue light. After a moment, she cracks a smile and hugs him. “I don’t know what was going through your head, but I don’t care. Right now, I’m just glad you’re alive.”

Olivia walks back over to the pair, looking concerned. “Amanda and I will be escorting you to the hospital. Is that okay?”

Sonny feels himself nodding as he walks shakily towards the police car waiting for him. Liv gets into the passenger seat and Amanda joins him in the back. The car pulls away and they sit in silence for a moment. 

“You know the procedure, Carisi. We’ve gotta ask you some questions,” Liv says, breaking the tension.

He doesn’t respond, just continues looking out the window. He can see his reflection in the window, just barely. It doesn’t look like him, though. His face is bruised and bloody, but there's something different lurking below the surface. “I thought I was going to die,” he whispers, his voice shaking. “I was so scared.”

“We’re all scared of dying, Carisi,” Amanda says rather unhelpfully, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“No…” he trails off, studying his reflection in the window again. “I was scared that I--” he takes a deep, gasping breath. “That I would never see him again.”

He drags his eyes away from the window and looks at Liv, who stares back at him. He can feel Amanda’s eyes piercing the back of his head.

“You’ve had a long night. It’d be best if you just relax, and tell me what happened. Everything.”

Sonny takes a deep breath. 

“Will he be okay?”

“Who?”

“Rafi.”

Liv glances at Amanda for a split second. “We have to do tests. X-rays and the rape kit.”

“The--rape kit?”

Olivia bites her lip. 

“You think they--?”

She stares up at him. “Carisi, I need you to answer this question to the best of your ability.”

He shakes his head. “Don’t change the subject. Did they--did they--” he hesitates, feeling another onslaught of tears building up. 

“Sonny.”

“Lieutenant,” he pleads. “Is he okay?”

“Carisi, I need you to relax.” The car stops at a red light.

“N-no, if he’s--” He tries desperately to unbuckle his seatbelt, tears pouring down his cheeks. “I need to--I need to help him--”

Amanda grabs his wrist, keeping him in place. She stares into his bloodshot, hollow eyes. A very different person than the one who’d offered to walk her to her car a few days prior stares back at her.

Someone broken.


End file.
